Neha Masurkar, Psychologist
Parenting can be the most rewarding work of adult life. Nothing brings more joy and pride than a happy, productive, and loving child. Each age and stage of a child’s development has specific goals and tasks. For infants, it is to eat, sleep, and explore their world. For adolescents or Teenagers, it is to become their own person with their own group of friends. Adolescents need many skills to successfully achieve their goal of increased independence. Some adolescents do not make this transition smoothly. Their movement toward independence can cause stress and grief for parents and families. Parent-child conflict increases as children move into adolescence. Although this trend is not inevitable, it is common and can be quite distressing for parents and adolescents. Both can feel baffled about what happened to the good old days of family harmony.
Understanding the Adolescent Phase
Adolescents may see their parents as having turned harsh, controlling, and irrational. Parents may wonder why their formerly cooperative and responsible children now seem hostile and destructive. These perspectives often feed on one another, increasing misunderstanding on both sides. Many parents and adolescents report a decrease in closeness during this time. Many of the changes that define adolescence can lead to conflict in parent-adolescent relationships. Adolescents gain an increased capacity for logical reasoning, which leads them to demand reasons for things they previously accepted without question, and the chance to argue the other side. Their growing critical-thinking skills make them less likely to conform to parents’ wishes the way they did in childhood. Their increasing cognitive sophistication and sense of idealism may compel them to point out logical flaws and inconsistencies in parents’ positions and actions. Adolescents no longer accept their parents as unquestioned authorities. They recognize that other opinions also have merit, and they are learning how to form and state their own opinions. Adolescents also tend toward ego-centrism and may, as a result, be ultra-sensitive to a parent’s casual remark. The dramatic changes of puberty and adolescence may make it difficult for parents to rely on their children’s preadolescent behaviour to predict future behaviour.
6 positive-parenting techniques that can help you strengthen the relationship between you and your child:
Understand the Transaction period: Your Teenager is not “the Child” you remember he/she is now in the process of becoming a woman/man. Treat them and guide them in this transaction.
Listen: Pay close attention to what your teen says. Teenagers often communicate much more than what they may seem to be saying on the surface. Read between the lines and pay attention to tone and body language.
Create little Rituals to connect: Maybe you always give a hug along with the car keys. Or you always go for pizza together on Sunday night. Or you get your nails done with your daughter. Find things that work, and make them happen regularly. Your teen will come to expect and rely on those moments of connection.
Respect their Growth: Teen years are very special; they need plenty of parenting along with mutual respect to their ideals and beliefs; for balance between discipline, guidance, and support, all you need to do is stop comparing them to your teenage years. When they hear parents say, “When I was your age, things were so much harder than they are for kids today,” it invalidates the experiences and struggles they are experiencing. Treat them more like adults than kids and show them respect for the young adults they are becoming.
Talk to your teen about dating and Safe Sex: Parents should realize that teens today are learning about and experimenting with their sexuality earlier and earlier. Instead of locking them in their bedroom, have a dating conversation, and yes — safe sex. Ask to meet their boy/girlfriend as early as they are comfortable introducing them to you. The more you pretend it’s not happening, the more likely your teen will engage in a bad relationship and sex habits that could have serious repercussions in their future romantic lives.
Respect boundaries: It’s often a challenge for parents to grant their teens increasingly more privacy and autonomy. But to develop good judgment, they need lots of opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. Encourage their learning.
